5. Adriano Belli, Professional Quarterback Hunter
The guy is smart. Like, way too smart for a defensive lineman. Most defensive linemen know one thing: The shortest distance between me and my paycheque is a straight line to the quarterback. Belli, I think, sacks QB’s and, on the way to the turf, explains to them how Newton’s 3 laws of motion are about to impact their lives in a big way.
Plus, it’d be fun to see him on the campaign trail. The “Kissing Bandit” would need a whole lotta chapstick to get through even one block of canvassing. And, he’s got a certain Trudeau-esque charm to him. Pierre had the pirouette. Adriano’s got the spin move.
4. Erica Strange, Regret Fixer
Not Erin Karpluk (no offense, Erin), but the girl she plays on TV. How can one resist the temptation to vote for a time – travelling candidate? One who could, by returning to the past, undo mistakes before they even happen? G-20? What G-20?
If we’d had time-travelling PM’s in the past, the latest incarnation of the Avro Arrow would be slicing through the skies all over the planet. The Liberals would have more than a snowball’s chance in Alberta, because, “National Energy Program? What the hell is a National Energy Program?” Mackenzie King wouldn’t have had to consult his dog, or hold seances in order to make decisions. He’d have made them himself, bravely, knowing full well that if he screwed it up, he could merely walk through a door to Dr. Tom’s office.
A time -travelling Prime Minister would assure us all of an easy-peasy, error-free future. Also, Laurier would’ve been right. The 20th century would have been “The century of Canada.”
3. Ben Mulroney, Impish Grin Master
No, I did NOT put him in here just to see if you were paying attention. Oh, come on. You know you want it. A Canadian political dynasty. Father, then son. Like the U.S. had with the Bushes, only without the intense hatred so many people had for them. What? Oh, yeah.
Well, I’d vote for him. If only to see him forced to do live coverage on the red carpet of his own swearing-in ceremony.
Tell me you don’t think he could win more seats than Kim Campbell.
2. Karl Pilkington (Cartoon Version), Simple Genius
I know, I know. He’s not eligible because he’s not Canadian. But, we can solve that little dilemma by getting Bev Oda to mark up the Constitution for us, can’t we?
What strikes me most about Karl Pilkington is his incredible cool under fire. There he sits, being verbally lambasted, week in and week out, on the Ricky Gervais Show. Yet he rarely, if ever, gets flustered by the bombardment he’s suffering at the hands of Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Isn’t that the kind of self-assured, unflappable confidence we need in a PM?
He’s also got a certain down-to-earth logic that has me in the mood to welcome, wholeheartedly, the Pilkington version of the Common Sense Revolution.
And wouldn’t it be fun to see how animators interpreted the looks of all the players on the political scene? Rex Murphy would look the same.
1. Arlene Dickinson, Dragon Queen
“Hello, Dragons. My name is Stephen Harper. I’m from Toron — uh, Calgary. I’m asking for one billion dollars in return for a 10% stake in my squadron of F-35 fighter jets.” THAT would be a GREAT episode of Dragons’ Den.
Arlene Dickinson is my top choice as Prime Minister.
She’s smart. She’s cool. Not Pilkington cool, but close. She’s self-made. She doesn’t take any crap from the boys. She’s a born leader. She’s spent years sitting next to Kevin O’Leary, and is coming back for more. That’s gotta count for something.
Arlene Dickinson would make Canada the coolest kid in the G-8 class.
I’ve no doubt, that if she had been invited to take part in the Leaders’ Debate, she’d have admonished the Prime Minister for staring at the camera. “Look at me when you’re talking to me, Stephen,” she’d have said in a stern, sassy, dressing-down kind of way. And I’ll bet, he’d have sheepishly done it.
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