5 People I’d Like To Be Prime Minister

One vote, one kiss. And so on. Adriano Belli

5. Adriano Belli, Professional Quarterback Hunter

The guy is smart. Like, way too smart for a defensive lineman. Most defensive linemen know one thing: The shortest distance between me and my paycheque is a straight line to the quarterback. Belli, I think, sacks QB’s and, on the way to the turf, explains to them how Newton’s 3 laws of motion are about to impact their lives in a big way.

Plus, it’d be fun to see him on the campaign trail. The “Kissing Bandit” would need a whole lotta chapstick to get through even one block of  canvassing. And, he’s got a certain Trudeau-esque charm to him. Pierre had the pirouette. Adriano’s got the spin move.

4. Erica Strange, Regret Fixer

Regrets? I’ve had a few. Like the Long Gun Registry

Not Erin Karpluk (no offense, Erin), but the girl she plays on TV. How can one resist the temptation to vote for a time – travelling candidate? One who could, by returning to the past, undo mistakes before they even happen?  G-20? What G-20?

If we’d had time-travelling PM’s in the past, the latest incarnation of the Avro Arrow would be slicing through the skies all over the planet. The Liberals would have more than a snowball’s chance in Alberta, because, “National Energy Program? What the hell is a National Energy Program?” Mackenzie King wouldn’t have had to consult his dog, or hold seances in order to make decisions. He’d have made them himself, bravely, knowing full well that if he screwed it up, he could merely walk through a door to Dr. Tom’s office.

A time -travelling Prime Minister would assure us all of an easy-peasy, error-free future. Also, Laurier would’ve been right. The 20th century would have been “The century of Canada.”

3. Ben Mulroney, Impish Grin Master

Ben Mulroney: Can schmooze circles around Justin Trudeau

No, I did NOT put him in here just to see if you were paying attention. Oh, come on. You know you want it. A Canadian political dynasty. Father, then son. Like the U.S. had with the Bushes, only without the intense hatred so many people had for them. What? Oh, yeah.

Well, I’d vote for him. If only to see him forced to do live coverage on the red carpet of his own swearing-in ceremony.

Tell me you don’t think he could win more seats than Kim Campbell.

2. Karl Pilkington (Cartoon Version), Simple Genius

Two-dimensional figure. Giving him a one dimension lead over politicians.

 I know, I know. He’s not eligible because he’s not Canadian. But, we can solve that little dilemma by getting Bev Oda to mark up the Constitution for us, can’t we?

What strikes me most about Karl Pilkington is his incredible cool under fire. There he sits, being verbally lambasted, week in and week out, on the Ricky Gervais Show. Yet he rarely, if ever, gets flustered by the bombardment he’s suffering at the hands of Gervais and Stephen Merchant. Isn’t that the kind of self-assured, unflappable confidence we need in a PM?

He’s also got a certain down-to-earth logic that has me in the mood to welcome, wholeheartedly, the Pilkington version of the Common Sense Revolution.

And wouldn’t it be fun to see how animators interpreted the looks of all the players on the political scene? Rex Murphy would look the same.

1. Arlene Dickinson, Dragon Queen

“Oh, shut up, Kevin.”

“Hello, Dragons. My name is Stephen Harper. I’m from Toron — uh, Calgary. I’m asking for one billion dollars in return for a 10% stake in my squadron of F-35 fighter jets.” THAT would be a GREAT episode of Dragons’ Den.

Arlene Dickinson is my top choice as Prime Minister.

She’s smart. She’s cool. Not Pilkington cool, but close. She’s self-made. She doesn’t take any crap from the boys. She’s a born leader. She’s spent years sitting next to Kevin O’Leary, and is coming back for more. That’s gotta count for something.

Arlene Dickinson would make Canada the coolest kid in the G-8 class.

I’ve no doubt, that if  she had been invited to take part in the Leaders’ Debate, she’d have admonished the Prime Minister for staring at the camera. “Look at me when you’re talking to me, Stephen,” she’d have said in a stern, sassy, dressing-down kind of way. And I’ll bet, he’d have sheepishly done it.

 

 

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What’s That Orange Blur?

“I am NOT amused”

 

I used to say that the NDP might as well change its name to the SOL, for all the hope it had of ever accomplishing anything at the federal level. But, the latest poll from EKOS is astounding. Really? 100 seats possible? Who’d have thought that, at this late stage of the race, the guy with the bum hip would be the one with the late kick?

Michael Ignatieff must be apoplectic. He’s been ambling along in second, mud flying in his face, trying to keep Stephen Harper’s haunches firmly in sight. (He’d probably have mixed emotions about that, as would we all.)

What’s he get for it? A wicked rap in the shins from Jack’s cane as Layton blows by him.

Now, this poll may be the fabled 20th out of 20 poll. You know, the one that AIN’T the “plus or minus 5 per cent, 19 times out of 20” poll. But if it foretells something incredible and historic, it’s very bad, indeed, for Michael Ignatieff. I won’t say that his leadership of the Liberals will have jumped the shark, necessarily. But I’d be damn sure that, somewhere, Henry Winkler was putting on his water skis.

Was There a Radio in the Coffee Pot?

“No, I don’t hear anything”

Unbelievable to think that nearly 500 prisoners could be spirited out of an Afghan prison with no one noticing. A tunnel of some 300 metres, a digging operation that took months to complete, followed by a few HOURS of escapees being let out of their cells, and to the mouth of the escape route. I guess LeBeau did a pretty good job of distracting the guards with an accordion – accompanied tap dance. Incompetence? Or “in cahoots?” Don’t think that even Tim Robbins could’ve pulled this one off without some inside help.

Easter Weekend musings

Let My People Tweet

Watching “The Ten Commandments” last night (Well, last night AND early this morning. It’s 3 hours and 40 minutes long WITHOUT commercials), my mind wandered just  a wee bit and I started to wonder how this epic tale might have been told in real-time, had Twitter been around. Specifically, the key moment which sees Moses and his flock pressed up against the Red Sea, the Egyptian army closing in:

@burningbush: Think we’re screwed. Red Sea in front, Ramses behind. Moses’ win streak ending.

Moments later:

@burningbush: Moses just turned his back. Raising hands. Is he surrendering?! Wussy, IMHO.

@burningbush: OMG! Game changer! Moses parting Red Sea! Anybody skyping this!? #winning

 Eggnatieff v. Hopper

Instead of some 300 million dollars worth of repetitive, hollow rhetoric, we could have settled our governmental squabble with a Parliament Hill Easter Egg Hunt. 308 eggs, 5 party leaders, NHL headshot rules in effect. Most eggs forms a government. Simple.

I’d normally like Jack Layton in such a contest. He’s savvy and scrappy. A competition like this could bring out the street fighter in him. But, with that hip continuing to slow him down, I couldn’t bet on him.

Michael Ignatieff? No chance. He’d waste much of his hunt time trying to launch a study group discussion on exactly how the rules should be interpreted. Maybe even write an essay, while eggs were gobbled up all around him.

Gilles Duceppe would not take part at all, instead sitting on the steps under the Peace Tower, complaining that the game is rigged against him.

Elizabeth May would not likely find a single egg. Despite being somewhat capable, she’d start too slowly, being quite astonished that she’d been invited to take part in the first place.

And then there’s Stephen. With Layton’s physical advantage compromised, I’d like his chances. And, if there’s anyone who knows how to manipulate the rules on Parliament Hill to their advantage, it’s the PM. A basketful for him. But be careful what you wish for, Mr. Harper. Those egg management fees can be a killer.

Funky Walker, Pious Talker

Sure, at times it looks a bit like “Mod Squad: The Musical.”

But I have to say, in all seriousness, that I think “Jesus Christ, Superstar” is a GREAT film.

Terrific songs, exceptionally talented actors and, let’s face it, one hell of a plot. So what if they ended it with the crucifixion, instead of the resurrection. They were probably thinking sequel.

He Is Risen And Everythink

Final word (sort of) to Donald S. Cherry, who, on Saturday night said (and I quote): “You can’t beat Jesus.”

So true. No lead is safe against him. He’s proven to be one of the best comeback artists of all time.