Jim Flaherty’s Budget Speech Translated

The Federal Government tabled (again) it’s budget for 2011, today. What follows is a collection of key quotes from Finance Minister Jim Flaherty’s speech to The House, followed by my interpretation of each:

“Mr. Speaker, I rise today to table once again before this House Budget 2011: A Low-Tax Plan for Jobs and Growth.” – Please don’t look at my feet. It’s summer and I decided the traditional new shoes would be sandals. But, I didn’t have time to get a pedicure.

Finance Minister Jim Flaherty: “I also have copies of the screenplay I’ve been working on. Anyone…anyone?”

“Today I am presenting the essential commitments our Government made on March 22.” – This is pretty cool. Since we now have a majority, all I had to do was pretty much photocopy the March budget, and have Bev Oda do a couple of edits.

“Canadians said yes to a disciplined and measured plan to control government spending and eliminate the deficit.” – Good luck trying to get a grant for your punk band now.

“We humbly thank Canadians for the trust they placed in us last month.” –  Thanks for giving us cart blanche for the next four years. We’re about to get all Tom Cruise – in – ‘Risky Business’ – like.

“Through their votes last month, their voices have been heard and they said “yea” to the economic plan that was put before them.” – Actually, most people said: “Don’t bug me, the Stanley Cup Playoffs are on.”

“In the still-uncertain global climate, many businesses may remain hesitant to hire and expand.” – Just remember, if none of this works, it’s not our fault.

“Mr. Speaker, in the Year of the Entrepreneur, we are creating the environment for the private sector to invest again, and take its rightful place as the engine of the Canadian economy.” – I’m about to gut the public sector like a sockeye salmon.

“The cornerstone of the budget tabled before you today, just like the one tabled on March 22, is strong fiscal management. ” – Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets. Please don’t bring up the fighter jets.

“That budget included a Strategic and Operating Review designed to realize substantial savings through greater efficiency and effectiveness.” – We could more efficiently and effectively continue to pound the Liberal Party by cutting off their allowance.

“Part of helping hard-working Canadians, of course, is keeping their taxes low as they try to make ends meet.” – It’s hard work lugging a briefcase around everyday. And it’s tough to balance the family budget when you have a home and staff in Barbados to maintain.

“To provide greater support to those seniors most in need, we will provide a top-up benefit to the Guaranteed Income Supplement. This is an affordable new measure that will provide up to $600 extra per year for single seniors and up to $840 per year for senior couples.” – We’ll claw that back with taxes on denture adhesive and stair-glides.

“It is my hope that the members of this House will now move quickly to implement this job-creating plan.” – We have a majority. Bite me.

“Mr. Speaker, it’s time to get back to work.” – Kegger at Baird’s house.

 

[box border=”full”]Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg Quotes Translated[/box]

 

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About Don

Don Landry is a multi-talented media pro: an accomplished morning show host, a sought-after voiceover artist and master of ceremonies, and a thoughtful commentator and interview specialist.