THE NUTSHELL: China’s Watermelons Explode, The Olympics Call On The Clash And Turmel Gets Detention

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

Prime Minister Harper attended a barbecue thrown by Rob Ford, this week. It was there that the PM let us know that he and the Mayor have gone fishing together. Video of the speeches, including one given by the PM are marked “private” on YouTube.You can only see them if you’re invited. Taking this controlling of information a little far, aren’t we, Mr. Harper? It was a speech at a barbecue, for crying out loud. I look forward to your releasing of birthday cards with redacted portions.

Stephen Harper and Rob Ford. Looks like the secret Tory handshake might involve that wiggling finger thingy.

Of course, video of some of the speeches leaked out. In his monologue, Harper noted that he’d gone fishing with Ford recently. Wonder what Liberal carcasses they chummed the water with. The PM also pointed out that Ford didn’t live up to his reputation because when he caught a fish, he didn’t gut it and eat it. Good line. But I’ll guess that if that fish had a library card, the mayor’s brother would have jumped in and beaten it with a Tim Hortons Bagel Belt. It’s the fish’s fault for getting caught. That’s what it gets for “surfacing.”

U.S. President Barack Obama held his 50th birthday bash this week. Jennifer Hudson and Herbie Hancock performed. Herbie Hancock? If you were going 80’s, Barack, I’d have preferred Lionel Ritchie singing “Dancing On The Ceiling.”  Too soon, Mr. President? Top ticket price for the bash was just under $36,000.00. For that amount of money, they should bloody well have had Marilyn Monroe come back from the dead to sing “happy birthday.” The soiree was cut short in dramatic fashion when Republican House Leader John Boehner burst in and refused to back Obama’s exhortations to guests that they “raise the roof.”

It was revealed that Interim NDP Leader Nycole Turmel once held memberships in both the NDP and Bloc Quebecois at the same time. She said she only joined the BQ to “help a friend.” Great answer. If you’re 16 years old and you pulled the fire alarm in the hall to keep your friend from being busted with a bottle of Kahlua in the washroom. Yes, you thought you were helping a buddy. But, she was still doing something wrong, young lady. We’ve no choice but to send you to the Parliamentary Library this Saturday for a day’s detention, a la Breakfast Club. “Don’t You Forget About Me…” Or should I sing: “Je Me Souviens….”

 POP CULTURE

"Guys, this has been great. But, seriously, send my waiter over. I ordered the fajitas, like, an hour ago."

You know how, every once in awhile, you’ll say or write a sentence you’re pretty sure you’ve never before uttered or typed? This is one of those cases. Here goes: Click here to see a Beluga Whale dancing to a mariachi band. The song is “Yellow Bird.”  Now, that’s entertainment, Obama. THAT I’d have paid 36 large to see.

Martin Sheen marked his 71st birthday this week. The highlight occurred when his son arrived and snorted all the icing off dad’s vanilla meringue cake. Ashton Kutcher will take over as Sheen’s son in time for the family’s Labour Day Weekend barbecue.

 SPORTS

The Nashville Predators lost their arbitration case against Shea Weber. Although “lost” is an odd term to use when you consider they still have one of the NHL’s best defencemen in uniform. Weber was awarded $7.5 million on a one year contract. Hey, isn’t that Gary Bettman money? I know a number of hockey fans who wish Bettman was also on a one year contract.

Major League baseball is investigating Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez for possible gambling infractions. There are tabloid allegations that A-Rod has been involved in high stakes Beverly Hills poker games with the likes of Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Leonardo Dicaprio. Are we sure they weren’t just screen testing for “Oceans 14”? Anybody check to see if George Clooney was in the room, poring over test footage? Sources say MLB wants to meet with Rodriguez to discuss the situation. Which could merely mean that Bud Selig wants to ask Rodriguez if he can forward Clooney the screenplay he’s been working on about his life.

Personally, I think The Clash would have made an excellent 4 x 100 metre relay team.

The London Olympics Organizing Committee has secured The Clash’s “London Calling” as its theme song. I suppose they’ll be changing the lyrics a wee bit, won’t they? Here are some samples of that song’s sentiment that may not be in the Olympic spirit. “London calling, to the faraway towns, now war is declared and battle come down.” “London calling to the zombies of death.”  And, finally, “London is drowning and I live by the river.” Here are my proposed changes: The first line? Easy. “London calling, to the faraway towns, now games are declared and athletes come ’round.” Second line… “London calling, to the …umm, er.. let’s just leave it at “zombies of death.” I get the feeling that tri-athletes can’t possibly be killed. It’s a tribute to them. Last line? “London is swimming and I live by the Aquatic Centre.”  You’re welcome, London Olympic Organizing Committee. Hope this helps. Because if the song’s original disaffected, rebellious siren call is heeded, we could be in for an athlete uprising. Fear the javelin and hammer throwers the most.

CURRENT EVENTS

China has been plagued, recently, with exploding watermelons. Acres and acres of exploding watermelons. Could be a routine explanation, however. Anybody check to see if comedian “Gallagher” has been touring the Jiangsu Province? If you’re under 40, you may need to look that up. Officials actually think that the overuse of a growth chemical might be the culprit. But, some farmers claim they haven’t been using it. And that they got their seeds from a Japanese supplier. Which may just go to show that the Japanese have a helluva sense of humour. Or a misguided military sense of how to defeat China.

FINAL THOUGHT

MTV turned 30 on Monday. Pathetic how it’s still hanging out with teenagers.

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About Don

Don Landry is a multi-talented media pro: an accomplished morning show host, a sought-after voiceover artist and master of ceremonies, and a thoughtful commentator and interview specialist.