Tag Archives: Liberal Party

THE NUTSHELL: “Cain And Shuster,” Mayor Ford Cracks The Nut And London’s Baseball Blunder

A collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

"So, how's your campaign going?"

Herman Cain and Rick Perry should draw salaries from the following TV shows: The Colbert Report, The Daily Show and Saturday Night Live. And any other show that lampoons the increasingly martian-like characteristics of the Republican Primary landscape. instead of needing to work hard at clever turns of phrase or outrageous extensions of what’s really happening, producers can just say “roll tape,” and have done with it. When I imagine the Republican Party’s topography these days, I envision a young Mel Gibson surveying the arid Australian outback in a postapocalyptic world, with the lawless and the crazies bombing around in dune buggies in hockey masks and football shoulder pads. It’s Mad Max out there, and getting “Madder and Maxier.” When Perry challenged Democrat Nancy Pelosi to a debate this week, I thought: “Why don’t we just cut out a step or two and schedule their square-off at 11:30 on Saturday night, on NBC?”

[button link=”http://www.donlandry.com/2011/11/the-gist-of-it-november-16-2011/” window=”yes”]To hear more on Herman Cain and the Republicans, click here for this week’s podcast, with Don Landry and Bill Hayes.[/button]

Toronto mayor Rob Ford has confirmed he will make a cameo appearance in the National Ballet Of Canada’s annual presentation of “The Nutcracker.” It will, unfortunately, be a non-dancing part. After seeing his performance at the Caribbean Festival kick-off, I’d love to see His Worship tippy-toe across the stage in a uni-tard. But, come to think of it, the mayor isn’t particularly adept at tippy-toeing. Ever. So, we’ll have to be satisfied with his role as a cannon doll. Keep an eye on him during this performance. That cannon may somehow end up pointed at Mary Walsh.

While I was cleaning out a drawer that had been systematically filled up over time with long-forgotten items, I came across a Blockbuster Video membership card. Sure hope it hasn’t expired. Among the other things I turned up as I continued to rifle through: An 8-track tape of the album “Cornerstone,” by Styx, a gift certificate for Frank Vetere’s Pizzeria and, finally, in the back corner of the drawer, The Liberal Party Of Canada.

 SPORTS

Every time I see Ryan Fitzpatrick trot out onto the field, I think: “Hey, Zach Galifianakis is quarterbacking the Buffalo Bills!”

Hmm, intriguing. The Winnipeg Blue Bombers released underused receiver Terrence Jeffers-Harris on Thursday. On Friday, their opponents in this weekend’s CFL East Final, the Hamilton TiCats, added him to their practice roster. He’s ineligible to play for Hamilton in the game, but is eligible to give his new bosses every bit of information he has on Winnipeg’s offensive scheming, if he so desires.  If the TiCats’ defence appears to know pretty much exactly what the Bombers do on any given play, it won’t be because they have some keen sense of ESP (or, as it’s known in sports circles, ESPN) but because “new guy” gave them the blueprints. Or bomberprints. Whatever they’re called. We’ll see how this plays out. The Bombers may have just made the biggest strategic blunder since somebody once said: “Hey, I’ve got an idea! A new Coke!”

 

"He's lined one into the alley. The dark, dark alley."

So, some geniuses in London, Ontario, decided to name their new baseball team the “London Rippers.” Now, no problem, if the logo is a big, burly strongman belting a Roy Hobb’s-like home run. That would make perfect sense. “Ripping” the ball  has, for years, been known as a term for crushing home runs. Instead, they decided on the logo you see to the left, which obviously plays on the Jack The Ripper theme. Fun for the kids!!  Tonight is cloak and dagger night at the ballpark! Now, I don’t much care how long ago this guy terrorized the women of London, England. It could be a thousand years ago, instead of 120. You don’t name teams after serial killers. Unless you’re devoid of conscience or… what’s the word? Oh, yeah. Taste. I look forward to you expanding your baseball empire with the Stratford Zodiacs, the St. Thomas Stranglers, the Guelph Gacys and the Beamsville Bundys.

[button link=”http://www.donlandry.com/2011/11/the-london-rippers-and-political-correctness/” window=”yes”]To read: “The London Rippers And Political Correctness,” click here.[/button]

 

POP CULTURE

"Don't be afraid. I just want to shake Regis Philbin's hand."

Next week, the U.S. will celebrate its Thanksgiving. One of the highlights for many people is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. But, beware, New York City. With all those giant balloons of Snoopy and Shrek and Mr. Potato Head and dozens of others, wouldn’t this be the perfect time for the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to blend in for a sneak attack? Not saying he’s ready to strike. Just saying ‘be prepared.’ And know who you gonna call.

FINAL THOUGHT

Saskatchewan Roughrider offensive lineman Gene Makowsky was elected to the provincial legislature. Caucus meetings will now be held in a tight circle and end with a single, group clap.

 

[box border=”full”]To read a previous “The Nutshell,” click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: A Royal Rodeo, A Bruins’ Bender And Jack Layton Mellencamp

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POP CULTURE

  • Marvel Comics decided to kill off Spiderman, in its “Ultimate” series comics. Not believable. I think the Broadway show “Turn Off The Dark” proved with great finality, that you can’t kill Spiderman. Seriously injure him, sure. But not kill.
  • A report surfaced claiming that Megan Fox was fired from “Transformers 3” because she compared  director Michael Bay to Adolf Hitler. If Bay were, in fact, like Hitler, it’d be great to see him work with Christian Bale. Fox was, apparently, fired by the producer of “Transformers 3, ” a guy named Stephen Spielberg. Complaining, in public, that your boss is like Hitler …well, her name is Megan Fox, not Megan Brainsurgeon.
  • Oh, look, coming into view, below and on the left, is the Boston Bruins’ bar bill from last Saturday night. I hear it’s quite something.
  • The dating website beautifulpeople.com claimed it was hacked, and that led to some 30 thousand er, undesirables, I guess, being allowed to post profiles on their exclusive site. Nobody panic, the glitch has been found and all the non-beauts have been kicked. So, the shallow end has been chlorinated. Crisis averted. My, that Bruins’ bar bill is long, isn’t it?
  • Some folks got together to paint a giant headshot of Roger Federer in a field. It illustrated him with a bit of a beard. Then they covered the bottom half of the face with foam. Then cut it with a lawnmower. It’s quite fascinating to see, really. Since it was done on grass, Roger comes out looking good. Had it been done on clay, the giant mural would’ve looked like Rafael Nadal kicking his butt. Seriously? That bar bill is STILL going?!
  • In the end, the NDP decided NOT to drop the word “socialist” or “socialism” from its constitution. Good. It’d be like John Mellencamp. Sure, he dropped the stage name, but, in the end, we all know he’s a Cougar. They also decided not to rule out a merger with the Liberals. Although, at this point, a merger between the NDP and Libs would be like a “merger” between Facebook and this blog. Wow. FINALLY, we get to the end of that bar bill. ONE Kami Kazi?! Really? And you call that a celebration? Who ordered the Amstel, for cryin’ out loud?

SPORTS

  • A thought or two on that big bar bill 6 of the Boston Bruins ran up last Saturday: There were 18 sugar-free Red Bulls on there. Red Bull has a sugar-free version?! What’s the point? I’d have thought that, if anything, Red Bull would have had a “sugar-enhanced” version. If you look closely, about 2/3 of the way down the tab, you’ll see that ONE bottle of champagne was “complimentary.” Nice to know that, if you spend 150 thousand dollars at a bar, they’ll comp you a bit of the bubbly. It was probably Baby Duck.
  • We are at the crossroads between sports, politics and pop culture. The Royal Visit is nearly upon us. There will be some protests, particularly in Quebec, when Kate and William make the rounds. There may also be demonstrations at the Calgary Stampede, where the Royals will participate in the event’s parade. I’m hoping the Stampede catches “Royal Fever” and introduces a corgi-roping competition. While we’re at it, replace the chuckwagon races with landau races and the rodeo clowns with court jesters. And, instead of bareback bronc busting, make it piggyback Royal Guard busting.

FINAL THOUGHT

Those amphibious “duckboats” that the Bruins rode in for their Stanley Cup Parade are really the automotive equivalent of “Crocs.” What would have been cooler? Way cooler? This.

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “Nutshell” click here[/box]

[box border=”full”]This week’s podcast, “The Gist Of It.”[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Bush, Bettman, Flutie, and Popsicle Sticks

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

  • If this Winnipeg deal ever gets done, I’ve some ideas as to how Gary Bettman should make his grand re-entrance to Winnipeg. If he wants to keep it simple, may I suggest he just step onto the escalator at the airport and, as he descends, spread his arms wide and bellow “I’m back, baby! Miss me?” Parachuting in to Portage and Main would be way cool, but would come with the possible hazard of the good folk of Winnipeg converging and beating the living hell out of him for taking their team away in the first place. Best to keep one’s distance. So, being carried to the dais at the media conference, in a giant egg, and bursting forth in latex would seem to be the ticket. It would prove he’s hip with the pop culture of the day, and also keep him protected from the masses for as long as possible.

  • While watching Hockey Night in Canada, I heard the comment that Wayne Gretzky was one of the best ever at dumping the puck in. High praise, indeed. Got me to thinking: What other superstars were really good at mundane sports chores? For my money, nobody in the history of baseball issued an intentional walk better than Nolan Ryan. I’ve never seen a quarterback take a knee like Doug Flutie. I know, I know, Joe Montana was really good at it, too. I just think Flutie was a little better. No argument about this one: No racer ever followed a pace car like Mario Andretti.

POLITICS

  • Just another reason to bemoan the passing of Donald Trump’s presidential ambition: Trump/Busey would have been one hell of a ticket. Had they actually won, Gary Busey would have become probably the 2nd craziest Vice President in U.S. history, right behind Dick Cheney.

  • The NDP trotted out its “shadow cabinet” this week. Or, as the Tories call it, “cute.” Leader Jack Layton has vowed that his team will not heckle government speakers. But, I didn’t hear him rule out dressing in orange spandex bodysuits and dancing up on them.

  • Bob Rae accepted the job of Interim Liberal Leader. He was, at a caucus meeting, asked  if he had any skeletons in his closet. He joked: “I said I don’t have any skeletons in my cupboard; they’re in my living room.” Actually, there are skeletons littering most ridings across Canada, all wearing “Ignatieff 2011” buttons.

POP CULTURE

  • So long, Oprah. Your extended goodbye was so long. So… so… long.
  • There’s the growing notion that China’s factories are feeling the energy squeeze and that some of them are becoming too expensive to run. Global Sticks, manufacturer of wooden popsicle sticks, is relocating from China, to Thunder Bay.I just hope they’re not ever bought out by one of those fancy-dan composite popsicle stick manufacturers. Call me old school, but I like my popsicles on good ol’ sticks of wood, not those crappy, new-fangled carbon fibre deals. Sure, they’re lighter and make it easier to lift a popsicle to your mouth, but they shatter too easily when you try to bust your popsicle in half on the counter. Not to mention that $49.95 seems a little steep for a popsicle.

    A worker at Harpo Productions cat naps on some of the materials used to build Oprah’s self-indulgence.
  • Porter Airlines can dress up their little raccoon mascot all they want. It’s just like a defence attorney getting his client a haircut and new suit before trial. Because, no matter how often I see their commercial with that respectable, well-behaved raccoon walking through the terminal in a suit and tie and carrying a briefcase, I know – I KNOW- that little felon dumped my green bin all over my front yard before the airport limo came by to pick him up.
  • Bob Dylan turned 70 this week. Apparently, friends took him to Dairy Queen to celebrate with an ice cream cake. It was there that Dylan told the young woman behind the counter: “Ya gotta soft-serve somebody.”

 

FINAL THOUGHT

People in Toronto won’t cheer for the Vancouver Canucks because the west dumps on Toronto all the time. Because of this, people in Vancouver will dump on Toronto. Because of that, people in Toronto won’t root for the Canucks. Because of that… (cue Elton john singing “Circle of Life.”)

 

[box border=”full”]Previously, in THE NUTSHELL[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]To read the next “THE NUTSHELL,” click here. [/box]