Tag Archives: Anthony Weiner

THE NUTSHELL: The Riots, Canoe Dancing And The Selling Of Toronto

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

  • Well, I suppose it has to come under the banner of sports, but, the rioting in Vancouver only lands in this category because of its proximity to Game 7 of the Cup Final. Watching a group of a-holes jump up and down on a police car, I got to thinking that if there was any justice in the world at all, one (or preferably more) of them would bust an ankle, or an arm. If there was justice, it’d be one of these clowns that suffered a compression fracture of the vertebrae, or a concussion, not Mayson Raymond or Nathan Horton. To those of you rocket surgeons who posted your pictures and proud anarchy status updates on Facebook, I say “bravo.” You are just as smart as I figured you were. To the VAST majority of Vancouverites who would never partake in this garbage and are, in fact, embarrassed by this criminal nonsense, don’t be. There are morons everywhere. It would be nice to be inoculated against that kind of gene pool pollution, but no city is immune.
Mason Raymond. You know, if it were me, I’d wear that thing UNDER my shirt to make it look like I’ve got ripped abs.

 

  • Speaking of Mayson Raymond, did you see him at Game 7? For a moment, I wondered if he was actually one of the many entertainment celebs that had graced the Stanley Cup Final. Perhaps, one of the injured cast members of “Spiderman: Turn Off The Dark.”
  • NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman really got an earful at the Cup presentation, didn’t he? That was some lusty booing. But, I wonder if he considers it a success considering he only had two shoes, an iPhone and one “Green Guy” thrown at him. Bettman could have avoided this, if he’d only taken one of my suggestions, and done the Cup presentation up right.
  • Steve Nash fired out this tweet, just before Game 7 started: Nerves. Excitement. Longing. Pride. It feels like the night I entered manhood….@vancanucks. Wonder if that night turned out the same for Steve as did Wednesday for Canuck fans. Incredible anticipation followed by an inglorious exit and, perhaps, some crying.
Make that outfit out of sequins and you’ve got an Olympic sport.

POP CULTURE

  • Watching the Colbert Report the other night, I saw a piece on something that I didn’t even know existed. Freestyle canoeing. But, I like to call it “canoe dancing.” Have a look, (the guy’s routine starts at about the 1:15 mark) then come back for  some smart ass comments. Okay. This has now taken over from “extreme ironing” as my favourite niche sport. I think it’s a sport. Could be an art. Or, an affliction. As great as this is, I think they could ramp up the attractiveness, just a bit, by adding a portage portion to the competition. Guy, on land, dances up to the shore, spinning the thing over his head like it’s Jamie Sale. Can’t wait for the “reality” show based on this, “Dancing with the Oars.” They could pair paddling celebrities with freestyle canoe pros. Silken Laumann, Marnie McBean, Adam Van Koeverden, all doing the watercraft equivalent of “Battle of the Blades.” Heck, let’s make it ex-NHLers and call it “Paddle of the Blades.”

 

  • Arby’s and Wendy’s will no longer be affliated. It’ll be a contentious divorce, with a pitched battle over who gets custody of the cholesterol.
  • The “Webby” awards were handed out this week. Acceptance speeches were restricted to 5 words. That keeps the show moving, and ensures Kanye West has very little chance of interrupting a winner’s speech. “I’ma let ya finish…but… ‘Proxy.org’ had one of the best proxy servers of ALL TIME!!”
  • The movie “Super 8” is tops at the box office. About time they did something to answer the competition. I mean, “Holiday Inn” came out, what, 70 years ago? Can’t wait for the blockbuster “Radisson.”

POLITICS

Doug Ford (L) and Mayor Rob Ford discuss how much they think they could get for selling ad space on Councillor Denzil Minnan-Wong’s lapels.
  • Rob and Doug Ford floated an idea, down at City Hall. Raise some much needed cash by selling the naming rights to some city-owned properties, like subway stations. Some of them wouldn’t even have to change their name. Dupont, Yorkdale, Woodbine, Royal York. Others would need just a wee tweak: Mr. Christie (thanks for that one, Anne), St. Clairol, Victoria’s Secret Park, Humber College, Old Mill Street Brewery and Elmwood Spa-dina. My personal favourite comes from Global TV’s Jackson Proskow: Bed Bathurst and Beyond. (Note: After I published this blog, Jackson let me know that I should credit “The Torontoist” for the Bed, Bathurst and Beyond line. so, consider it done.) It’s a good idea. Let’s start by selling the naming rights to the mayor. And take Ford Motor Company out of the equation. Not nearly fun enough.
  • Anthony Weiner has resigned. Now that he’s got so much spare time on his hands… oh boy.
  • Yet ANOTHER woman has come forward to say that she got dirty messages from Weiner. Geezuz, this guy is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. No, wait. Tiger Woods is the Tiger Woods of sex scandals. Right now, Tiger is the Anthony Weiner of golf.
  • Weiner’s media conference was kind of bizarre, in that, in the face of all that heckling, the man who posted crotch shots on the internet came across as, well, dignified. The conference reminded me of one of my all time favourite political hecklings. Poor Ben Konop, who ran for mayor of Toledo. While trying to address the media, some goofball who looked like one of the Klopek’s from the movie “the ‘Burbs” kept riding Ben from a chair on his porch. The video is here.

FINAL THOUGHT

“Woofstock” was held in Toronto last weekend. Bunch of long-haired Shih Tzus and their rock and roll and their peace and free love crap. Get a haircut, you hippies!

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL, click here[/box]

7 Cool Ways The Commish Could Present The Cup

We get the same thing every year. NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman walks out amidst a chorus of mostly boos, grabs the mic like he’s a principal about to admonish an unruly assembly crowd, and quickly and without much pomp or circumstance, hands over The Cup. Then gets the hell out.

We need something new. Fresh. Exciting. We need the attention-grabbing daring of Lady Gaga. The head turning style of Michael Buble. The “what the hell?” quality of a Kardashian YouTube video.

Here are a few suggestions. 7 cool ways the Commissioner could present the Stanley Cup:

“And now..ow…ow…ow…I’d like to sing…ing…ing…Kei$ha’s Tick Tock…ock…ock.”

1.  Lights dim. The strains of “Phantom Of The Opera” blare. A single spotlight hits an upper corner of the arena. Out of a massive cloud of dry ice, there, in a cape and a half Gerry Cheevers mask, The Commish emerges. With a bellowing, evil laugh (the kind usually reserved for a thwarting of Jim Balsillie), he tucks the Cup under an arm, grabs a rope with the other, and swoops down to centre ice.

2.  The players gather at the Zamboni entrance, lined up on either side of it. They drop their sticks, take off their gloves and start clapping in time with the music. That music? “Footloose,” by Kenny Loggins. Out comes Mr. Bettman, in acid washed jeans, white shirt and skinny tie, perfectly mimicking Kevin Bacon’s incredible mid-eighties dance moves. All the way to centre ice. Not necessary, but pretty great, would be to get John Lithgow to stand at the end of the line in minister’s garb, arms folded, shaking his head in disgust.

3.  Bettman doesn’t present the Cup at all. Instead, Charlie Sheen, drives a Zamboni out, complete with gaggle of his “goddesses” as passengers. After a short, meandering tour of the ice, the Zamboni slams into the boards, knocking everyone off. They scramble to their feet, and start to stagger toward centre ice, sliding the cup along the ice. Sheen throws up in the Cup, points to the victorious captain and says “winning.”

4.  In a nod to the top-of-mind status of Anthony Weiner, the Commish strides to centre wearing flip-flops and a towel. The Cup is there waiting for him. He smiles, devilishly, then sticks it between his legs, takes a picture  with his iPhone and immediately posts the shot to Twitter. Then announces: “We have a wiener!” Congratulations Vancouver/Boston!”

5.  Dressed like Moses, the Commish slowly, stoically, makes his way toward the players gathered at centre ice. He’s carrying two stone tablets. As the camera zooms in, we see that the tablets have the NHL’s constantly changing headshot rules carved into them. He puts them down, picks up a composite hockey stick from the pile nearby. He waves it slowly, and the players part, the Stanley Cup appearing in the middle of them. Of course, the stick breaks as he does this.

6.   Royal Wedding theme. The Cup, in a bridal veil and mini-dress with a long train. The Commish in a Prince William uniform knock-off. Or the other way around, if you prefer. A carriage ride to centre ice. Carrie Underwood as Pippa, following dutifully behind the Cup, carrying the tail end of it’s train. Prince Harry, played by…well..who else but Sean Avery? Peter Mansbridge narrates.

7.  Salute to Seal Team 6. The Commish, in full commando gear, is juggled and nose-bounced by a line of 6 actual seals towards a mini compound-like structure at centre ice. Gary kicks in the door, the walls fall down and we see an Osama look-a-like sitting on the floor with the Stanley Cup in his grasp. The Commissioner fires a few paintball rounds into him and secures the Cup, as well as “Osama’s” DVD collection. He announces that the discs are “NHL 2010-2011 highlight DVD’s, now available at NHL.com!”

Honourable mentions as themes: Jersey Shore. Bettman in drag as Snooki, guzzling a margarita from the Cup. Star Wars. Take the base off the Cup, and the Commissioner can wear it, like he’s R2-D2. And “Enchantment Under The Sea.” Of course.

[box border=”full”]To see Gary Bettman’s Winnipeg quotes translated, click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Balsillie, Weiner and the PM’s Kitten

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

Congressman Anthony Weiner pauses during his media conference to…good god! He’s not taking another picture, is he?
  • Congressman Anthony Weiner was exposed this week. No, wait. Congressman Anthony Weiner’s private life was laid bare this week. No, hang on. Congressman Anthony Weiner was hung out to… oh, the hell with it. You know the story. One of the people Congressman Weiner apologized to was Bill Clinton. For bringing the Democratic Party a measure of embarrassment? Or for not having the courage to show his crotch in person, in his office, as befits the party standard set by Bill in the 90’s? By the way, please stop calling this “Weinergate.” Because, if he had a gate on his wiener, this wouldn’t have happened in the first place. Actor Alec Baldwin has come to Weiner’s defense, with a sympathetic blog entry on the Huffington Post website. Now, I don’t want to accuse Baldwin of protesting too much, but, I sure hope that Pete Shweddy, himself, has not gotten his iphone a little too close to his Christmas treats.
Stanley, the Prime Minister’s new cat, refused to take any questions at his first media conference.

 

  • The Prime Minister’s kitten has a name. After a Facebook vote, it was decided the kitty’s name would be Stanley, in honour of the Vancouver Canucks’ pursuit of the Stanley Cup. The NHL has invoiced the PM a $10, 000.00 bill, for naming rights. I understand it’ll be paid out of Tony Clement’s G8 discretionary fund. Stanley is doing well, already being offered a pundit’s position on a SUN TV panel show.
  • The Senate Page who held up a “Stop Harper” sign during the Throne Speech lost her job. Why fire her? The poor girl was merely referring to rumours she’d heard that the PM was going to sing in public again. Just thinking public service, nothing more.
  • Sarah Palin supporters hit wikipedia, this week, and edited the story of Paul Revere in order to reflect her somewhat skewed version of his place in American history. No wonder that, for a short period of time, his page quoted him as yelling: “The Beatles are coming! The Beatles are coming!” Now, he wouldn’t have been wrong, had he bellowed that. Just way ahead of his time.

SPORTS

“Yes, Biff…I mean…Mr. Bettman. Two coats of wax, yes sir.”
  • Forbes Magazine says Jim Balsillie has been assured by the NHL that he’ll be given a team in the near future, if he “behaves” and doesn’t cause any embarrassing situations for the league. Maybe they should start him off with a puppy, first,  and see how he does with that. Actually, a goldfish. Goldfish, hamster, puppy, pony and then an NHL team.When you think about it, Balsillie ought to get the Masterton Trophy. Tried Pittsburgh. Failed. Tried Nashville. Failed. Tried Phoenix. Failed. He’ll try again. Now that’s perseverance, sports fans.
  • Former NFL receiver Plaxico Burress was released from jail this week, after serving a couple of years on a gun charge. I think he’d look good in an Argo uniform. Not as good as he did in a prison uniform, but pretty good. Burress would get a lot of respect on CFL fields, I think. Defensive Backs would give him quite a cushion, just in case he’s packing. If he were a quarterback, sure, I’d have a joke about the shotgun formation here.
    Tim Thomas’ beard: The quicker picker-upper.
  • Been told that the NHL has reached a deal with BP. When the Stanley Cup Playoffs are over, Tim Thomas’ beard will be turned over to the oil company so it can be used to soak up future spills in the Gulf.

SOME OTHER STUFF

  • Love it every time I see that Speedy Auto glass commercial on TV, where the two buddies are driving along and a stone chips the guy’s windshield. The passenger whips out his phone and hits speed dial on the cell to get ahold of a Speedy service centre. Really? Speedy Auto Glass is on his speed dial? Umm, what asteroid belt does he drive through each day during his commute to work to create the necessity of having a windshield repair outlet on speed dial?!
  • A Burlington man was caught driving in the HOV lane on the QEW with a blow up doll in the passenger seat. “But officer, what Tina and I have IS real, so she should count. Besides, the driver’s side airbag doesn’t work, so I have her straddle me when I see danger up ahead.”
  • Here’s an entertainment story that caught my eye in METRO, the commuter paper. “After months of bitter negotiations, Charlie Sheen and ex-wife Brooke Mueller have reportedly reached an agreement for custody of their twin sons, Bob and Max, according to Us Weekly. The two are said to be “satisfied” with the new terms, which weren’t disclosed.” I can only hope that by “the two,” they mean Bob and Max. And by “satisfied,” they mean that custody was granted to someone other than Charlie or Brooke.

FINAL THOUGHT

It was Prince’s birthday, earlier this week. I hear his birthday cake had a delicious centre. It was a raspberry sorbet.

 

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]