Category Archives: Humour

CBC: Hockey Night Or Election Night? Both!

So the CBC has a conflict on election night.

It seems there’s a pesky little hockey game scheduled the same night Ontario’s election results come trickling in (kind of how Leaf victories have come in recent years).

In all seriousness, the proper thing for the public broadcaster to do is to give up the very, very attractive tilt between the Maple Leafs and Canadiens and give us a steady dose of poll results. That would be more in keeping with the mandate of the corporation. As much as it hurts, the Leafs and Habs should be tossed over to TSN or some other willing participant, while the CBC gives us Peter and Rex as opposed to Ron and Don. I do see their conundrum, however. What’s more vital to the fabric of the heart and soul of Canada? Politics or hockey? They both have front row centre seats at any Tim Hortons discussion, 365 days a year. Tough one.

“All’s I’m sayin’, eh, is that McSquinty, or McGillicuddy, or whatever it is and everythink… he might as well have worn a visor on the campaign trail. Brutal.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Got a solution. Give us a hybrid. Both hockey and politics are filled with cynicism. Is the NHL’s lip service on player safety any less cynical than a candidate’s hollow rhetoric on doing what’s best for the common good? Both are blood sports. I leave it to you to decide which is more heinous. And, like hockey, politics is filled, I mean filled with analysts who can’t wait for the red light to come on so they can pontificate on every single little detail of the action.

I envision a “Very Special Hockey Night In Canada,” on October 6th. We pick up the action midway through the second period. Leafs and Habs tied at 2.

Jim Hughson: It’s close one, folks, lots of chances, lots of mistakes and lots of head shots. Neither side has been able to muster a big advantage.”

Craig Simpson: “You talking about the Leafs and Canadiens, or the election campaign, Jim?”

Jim: “Both, Craig. Let’s send it down to Elliotte Friedman.”

Elliotte: “Guys, Ron Wilson hasn’t been happy with the play of  his team so far, lighting them up with an impassioned, energetic and profanity-laced speech during the first intermission. The kind of speech that might have helped either Dalton McGuinty or Tim Hudak down the stretch. You know, maybe without the profanity. By the way, the Canadiens are out-hitting the Leafs, 10-6 at this point, and NDP leader Andrea Horwath leads in her riding with 372 votes, with 16 of 47 polls reporting. Jim?”

Jim: “Thanks, Elliotte, now over to Peter Mansbridge for a preview of the second intermission.”

Peter: “Coming up, in our second intermission… a full rundown of the key battles in ridings that will, in large part, determine the fate of Premier Dalton McGuinty’s government. Our political roundtable includes Chantal Hebert, Andrew Coyne and P.J. Stock. Don Cherry and Ron MacLean join us, once again, live from Tim Hudak’s campaign headquarters, where Don is expected to give the Tory leader a kiss on the forehead. And, Rex Murphy with out of town scores and highlights. Jim?”

Jim: A delay in the action here as game ops staff members try to unfurrow Brian Burke’s eyebrows… that gives us a chance to send it down between the benches, where Glenn Healy and Wendy Mesley are standing by.”

HEALY: “Guys, you’ve got defencemen throwing it up the middle, forwards missing checking assignments…and, seriously, who doesn’t think the issue of allowing Muslim prayer in public schools is a campaign grenade. Honestly, it’s like amateur night here.”

WENDY: “Also, it looks like P.K. Subban’s knee injury is not serious. He’s expected back in time for the loser’s concession speech, which will happen at an actual concession stand in the Air Canada Club during the 3rd period. Guys?”

Jim: “Like to remind our viewers that a special edition of  “After Hours” comes up following the game…. Scott Oake and Ian Hanomansing are joined by the cast of “Dragons’ Den.” They’ll have all the scores and news from every riding and every arena, as well as post game comments from Jacques Martin and Ontario’s Lieutenant Governor David C. Onley. Now, here’s Ron MacLean.”

Ron: “Thanks, Jim. Special announcement: Circle February 11th, 2012 on your calendar. ‘Hockey Day In Canada,’ originally scheduled to take place in Prince Edward Island, will now be called ‘Hockey and Elections Day In Canada,’ and take place in the Northern Ontario riding of  Algoma-Manitoulin. Instead of constantly changing into different hockey jerseys, I’ll continually cross the floor to join different political parties, from the powerhouse Conservatives, to the fringe parties like The Family Coalition Party, or The Liberals. February 12th, on CBC. Now, over to Elliotte.”

Elliotte: “With Canadiens’ forward Mike Cammalleri… Mike, it’s been a tight struggle so far; your thoughts?”

Cammalleri: “Yeah… sure has… uh… I don’t think anybody really thought the riding of Richmond Hill…

Elliotte: “Your hometown…”

Cammalleri: “Right, my hometown… I don’t think anybody thought it’d be this tight. To think that Reza Moridi might actually lose this… you don’t, you know, think about that…. But, hey, hats off to Vic Gupta. He’s a good candidate, a real pro. Classy guy and, uh, he worked hard.

Elliotte: “And tonight’s game?”

Cammalleri: “Uh, you know, it’s tough to think about that with Reza Moridi may be going down to defeat. So, yeah. It’s tough.”

Elliotte: “A sombre tone from one of the NHL’s feistiest political thinkers. Over to Ron MacLean, to ‘pun’ us out of it.”

Ron: “Power plays will be the key to deciding this, Elliotte. Or, rather, will it be ‘Powerplay’, with Evan Solomon?”

Jim: “Three and a half to go in the second, Leafs and Canadiens tied at two, Liberals leading or elected in 23, Conservatives leading or elected in 16….”

 

[box border=”full”]To read Rocket Ismail: Anatomy Of The Deal, click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: Palin’s Past, The Maple Leafs’ Future And The NHL’s Twits

A collection of random thoughts on random things.

SPORTS

Eddie Shore: “Look forward to breaking stick on Mush March’s shins 2nite. LMAO. #thiskidbrimsekwillnevermakeit”

How will we ever live without game day tweets from NHL players? How is a fan expected to adjust to a life where their favourite fourth line winger isn’t telling them how their pre-game nap went? Or just how pumped they are to play in Nashville that night? The NHL has banned game day tweets from its players. And this has somehow turned into an issue. Here’s the part where I sound like an old fart and wistfully harken back to the simpler times, where I’d never even heard of tweets, twitter or any kind of social media. Back then, hockey issues were things like: “Do the Red Wings have the goaltender they need to go all the way?” Or: “Can the Leafs survive while Mats Sundin is injured?” Or: “Should the NHL add more teams to the playoffs?” Or: “Can the Kansas City Scouts lose every game they play?” Now those were hockey issues. Am I really supposed to care if  a Canucks’ defenceman feels like “y-frogging” a picture of his buddy taping a stick at the morning skate? Just drop the friggin’ puck.

The Toronto Maple Leafs have decided, as part of a sponsorship agreement, to wear a Purolator patch on their game day skate jerseys. Ah, we take that first tippy-toe step out onto the slippery slope. Make no mistake. At some point, the Leafs will have advertising patches on their game jerseys. You will hate it. You may even threaten to “never watch another game if those greedy bastards sell out.” But you will get used to it. And it will one day become the norm. Remember when they started showing commercials before movies in theatres? How many of us swore never to go again? Now, we’re used to it and don’t much give it a second thought. When internet sites started running commercials before their highlight clips, how many times did you immediately click away from it, muttering under your breath? How many times do you do that now? Advertising on game uniforms in North America’s big four leagues will come. It won’t be the NHL, MLB or NBA that does it. It will be the NFL. Not because they need to, but because they will be able to. They’ll be able to gather in ungodly amounts of sponsorship money, and they’ll be able to easily withstand any fan backlash that rises out of it. Soon after that, the way paved, the other leagues will follow.

Not much room for advertising patches on the “uniforms” worn by the girls of the Lingerie Football League. The expansion Toronto Triumph makes its home debut tomorrow night against the Tampa Breeze. I have questions, not knowing much about the league. Three downs or four downs? Fair catch or no yards? Victoria’s Secret or La Senza? C’mon, folks, get out to Ricoh Coliseum, these girls need your support. I think. Could be their uniforms come complete with some underwire technology. Added attraction: Toronto Councillor Doug Ford’s daughter, Krista, is listed on the team’s roster. I’m happy she shares the family passion for football. I’m equally happy that her dad and uncle don’t share her passion for showing plenty of skin.

POLITICS

"And that's the sports news. Well, there is one other story, but I can't get into that. Tee Hee."

Let’s stay with the colliding worlds of politics and sports. The unauthorized biography of Sarah Palin is apparently rife with salacious, sure-to-be-denied details of the former and possibly future U.S. presidential candidate. Did she have a fling with NBA star Glen Rice, when Rice was still in college and she was an aspiring sports reporter? Will Palin claim that it did happen, but only because Rice was one of those liberal elite college guys, who surprised her with “gotcha” sex? Another claim in the book: “Searching For The Real Sarah Palin,” is that witnesses saw Palin snorting coke from the top of an oil drum. Don’t know if it happened, but it does make some sense. With Palin’s famous passion for  oil (drill, baby, drill), her snorting coke off a barrel would be akin to Charlie Sheen doing blow off the chest of a $10,000.00 a night hooker. Wait a second. It actually might be more probable that Palin snorted a line of oil off a brick of cocaine. Or, the carcass of a freshly bagged moose.

A rat was caught in the Toronto City Hall Budget Chief’s office. It was immediately killed. Well, reducing redundancies is one way of tackling the city’s operating deficit.

POP CULTURE

Sarah Jessica Parker has a new movie out. It’s about a busy supermom who endeavours to balance work and family life. Called “I Don’t Know How She Does It,” the title refers to the character she plays. Or, it might actually refer to her getting jobs after “Sex And The City 2.”

Bladder control undergarment maker “Depends” has a new TV commercial out. The soundtrack for it is the classic R & B tune “Green Onions,” by Booker T and the MG’s.  I don’t suppose that ol’ Book and the rest of the crew ever thought, back in 1962, that their ultra cool tune would ever be used to make adult diapers seem badass. Sorry, wrong choice of words. Now, when I reach that stage, I’m going to demand an 80’s tune or two to sell me. “Six Months In a Leaky Boat.” No, wait! “Let It Go,” by Luba.

FINAL THOUGHT

NASA says there’s now way to much space garbage orbiting the earth. To the point where the debris is a danger to future missions. Time to build a giant orbiting blue box. An International Space Recycling Station.

The Gist Of It – September 14

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This week, Landry and Hayes discuss the relative merits of NHL prospect camp hockey. What’s the lure? As well, they kick around some of their favourite story lines and performances from Week 1 of the NFL season, and Week 11 of the CFL season.

Serena Williams’ bad mood at the U.S. Open is discussed, with one of the boys being particularly disgusted.

Bill’s not big on all the fawning going on at the Toronto International Film Festival, while Don kinda digs the hoopla.

What’s to become of the TTC? And, is it really so terrible to be known as “Premier Dad”?

The Gist Of It – September 8, 2011

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In this week’s podcast, Bill Hayes and Don Landry cover subjects that are both light and heavy hearted. On the serious side, the guys talk about the KHL tragedy and that league’s plans to have a replacement team play in the place of the men who were lost in Wednesday’s air crash. Don’s not in favour, while Bill can see the rationale to do it.  Wade Belak’s suicide: Why the rush to correlate his depression with NHL fighting? And the anniversary of the September 11th attacks: Can you bear to revisit that fateful day?

On the humourous side, there’s Bill’s golf trip to Scotland. Rafael Nadal’s ill-fitting underwear is bothering, not only Nadal, but Don as well. And reflections on the 2011 Canadian National Exhibition: Bill thinks it’s time to let it go. Don thinks the ol’ lady can still thrill ya.

Related: [box border=”full”]To see the Bobby Orr Bra, click here.[/box]

THE NUTSHELL: The NHL’s Trapezoids, McCallion’s Big Fish And Deep-Fried Everything At The Ex

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

Note: After this week, The Nutshell will revert to its older, historical name: The Royal Canadian Nutshell.

 SPORTS

Mr. Bettman, tear down this line.

The NHL is trying out a few new wrinkles at its research and development camp, in Toronto. (Ain’t modern hockey grand? In the old days, if you uttered the words “research and development camp” to Eddie Shore he’d have “researched” your noggin by “developing” a right cross to your chin.) One of the possible changes they’re trying out is removing those ridiculous trapezoids in the corners, where no goalie is allowed to handle the puck. Goalies have been treated like wayward dogs who left the yard. Might as well have fitted them with those “invisible fence” collars to make sure they didn’t go get the puck in the corner. It was a silly rule when it was brought in, it’s a silly rule now. I’ve always thought punishing goalies who had good puck handling skills and took the time to hone them was a trifle idiotic. It’s like prohibiting good defensive pitchers from fielding the ball outside of the mound, or forbidding running backs from ever throwing a pass on an option. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I say. Fun to watch a master at work, such as Martin Brodeur. Come to think of it, it’s just as much fun to watch the butchers try and do something with the disc, out in no-man’s land.

POP CULTURE

Ernie (Left) and Bert. If they were gay they would have left Sesame Street to live in Mr. Dress Up's Tickle Trunk.

I’ve been enjoying seeing Donald Trump hawking his mattresses on commercials for The Brick. The Trump home mattress collection is available. Was wondering: Are the mattresses stuffed with Donald’s hair? If so, that’s what I call luxury. Love for him to do a Willy Wonka kind of promotion, where he’d actually stuff one out of every 10,000 mattresses with cash. Or a golden ticket that earns the winner a visit to Gary Busey’s place for a day. It occurs to me that I may be mistaken about these commercials. They may actually be for “Donald Trump’s Matted Tresses.”

The good people at the Children’s Television Workshop found it necessary to step forward in the face of a social media onslaught (okay, Facebook page) that suggested Bert and Ernie come right out of the closet and get hitched. Love that they felt it necessary to reiterate that Bert and Ernie are, in fact, not actually living beings. This episode has been brought to you by the letters D, U and H.

Anybody else out there feeling they’re being strung along by George Stroumboulopoulos? He starts every show by saying “I’m your boyfriend….” That’s enough, Strombo. I mean, what are we? Commit to us, already. If you’re not ready to be our husband by now then I just don’t know what we’re doing here.

The Canadian National Exhibition opens up, today. Among the features they’re trumpeting this year — cholesterol. Plenty of it. You can get deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, deep-fried Twinkies, deep-fried cola, deep-fried Nanaimo bars and, of course, deep-fried butter. My guess is that they’ve stopped trying to thrill you with attractions and rides. It’s just easier to raise your heart rate with a hamburger that features a bun made of Krispy Kreme donuts, instead. What kind of person would indulge in such gastrointestinal masochism? The kind who likes passing out while eating, I guess. A lot of people have bypassed the Ex in recent years. Seems the Ex is bent on forcing a lot of people to have bypasses instead.

POLITICS

Mayors Rob Ford and Hazel McCallion: If I were them I'd get that thing deep-fried, whole, at the CNE.

Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion gave Toronto Mayor Rob Ford a big, big fish. An 18 pound salmon that the 90 year old reportedly reeled in during a fishing derby on Lake Ontario. Well, that’s the story. Personally, I doubt she caught it with a pole. More like she stripped down to her skivvies, dove head first into the water, swam after the sucker, grabbed it with her bare hands and then proceeded to swing it over her head like an Olympic hammer thrower, and tossed it on to the deck. That’s more like Hazel. Not only did she catch it, she apparently packed it in ice and drove it to Toronto to personally present to Ford. It’s head will, undoubtedly, make its way onto the desk of the next councillor to question a policy decision.

Republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday, this week. Problem was, she was a day early with the wishes. No, wait. Problem was, it was the anniversary of Elvis’ death (August 16th, 1977). Elvis was born January 8th, 1935. I’ll cut her some slack. She’s probably exhausted from a long summer revival tour with Fred Turner. Gosh, I still love “Takin’ Care Of Business.”

Ontario Progressive Conservative Leader Tim Hudak admitted to smoking marijuana while he was in university. Does this bother me? No. Do I wish he and every other politician would smoke pot now? A resounding yes. Maybe some of those hyper-partisan walls would fall and they could all actually chum together to do what’s best for the rest of us. In fact, let’s go a step or two further and pipe in smoke from a giant bong when the legislature is in session. Bet you Dalton McGuinty would be the first to wear his tie around his head like a bandana. Hudak could replace the Tories’ policy manual, “Changebook,” with “Highspace.”

 FINAL THOUGHT

Qantas Airlines is experiencing some turbulence over one of the in-flight movies they’ve been showing. It’s called “The Female Orgasm Explained.” I say what better place to learn about that than while travelling on an airline that’s served Down Under so well for so long.

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, THE GIST OF IT, click here.[/box]

The Gist Of It – August 17, 2011

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This week on “The Gist Of It,” Bill and Don wonder if Blue Jays’ rookie phenom Brett Lawrie will be able to continue to live up to the hype. As well, they discuss baseball veteran Jim Thome’s no-brainer inclusion at Cooperstown. Can you stomach the CNE? The boys talk over some of the gastronomic… um… delights available at this year’s Ex. They also explore the synergy that a possible provincial Conservative government could create with the Feds and debate the name changes coming for Canada’s military branches. What about the kid who won $50k in a hockey game intermission contest? Should he be penalized just because it wasn’t actually he who took the shot, but rather, his twin brother?

THE NUTSHELL: The Mammoliti Gambit (Or: Councillor Strangelove)

Usually, the Nutshell is dedicated to random thoughts about many things. In this week’s special edition, I focus on what may one day be referred to as the rise and fall of Giorgio Mammoliti’s Facebook page.

Toronto Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has certainly been spicing up the current events reports this week. His unveiling of a Facebook page “Save the City…Support the Ford Administration” was merely the beginning of a week of provocative hilarity. Mammoliti’s basically been a one-man comedy quote machine, with no end in sight. With his insistence that he knows “how communists smell” leading off the week with a double to the gap, the onslaught of political satire was on. By the way, if Mammoliti knows how communists smell, he’d sure have come in handy for Senator Joe McCarthy. Think of it. Instead of labourious, time-consuming hearings, socialist sympathizers could have just been brought to Giorgio’s office, where he could nuzzle up to them and swiftly decree “Commie” or “Non-Commie.”

Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti: That better not be a Cuban cigar, sir.

Mammoliti went on to declare the definition of a communist: “Anyone who is able to work, doesn’t want to work and wants everything for free.”  A trifle simplistic, but maybe he has a point. By his definition, I don’t know a single 8 year old that’s not a communist. Round ’em up. Oh, and I guess anyone who buys a lottery ticket might also be an enemy of the Mammoliti state. That makes me guilty. I’d better double-dose the Hai Karate from now on.

Fast forward a few days and we have the Ford Motor Company asking Mammoliti to remove their logo and the phrase “Built Ford Tough” from the Facebook page as they own it and they’d prefer he not use it, thanks. Did you pay to use it, Giorgio, or did you just decide to procure it, for the good of the group. If so, that sounds a little like communism. You may not pass your own smell test. At the very least, you ought to fire back at the Ford Motor Company with some kind of accusation that they’re stripping down old Ladas for parts for their F-150’s.

According to the Globe and Mail, Mr. Mammoliti has “abandoned” the Facebook site now and has left it to “the jokers” to continue running it. However, he continues to sound the air raid sirens on the underground communist plot to take over the city. Mammoliti has declared that a half dozen or so city councillors are bent on installing “a system of government where government takes over all private property and controls the thoughts and views of people.”

“I know some of my views are outside the box,” says Mammoliti. No, Giorgio, they’re not. They’re very much IN the box. A very tiny, oxygen-free box. Constructed in the mid to late 1950’s.

But what if he’s right? Maybe there is an underground movement designed to reshape Toronto in the image of an Iron Curtain, Cold War burg, where men were men and so were half the women. At least it appeared that way during the Olympics.

I suggest we immediately take the following precautions:

Raccoon: Where's your fur hat, comrade?

  1. Reclaim the HMCS Haida from Hamilton and deploy it, along with the City of Toronto ferry armada, in a blockade of Centre Island. We can’t afford the possible installation of Chinese missiles there.
  2. Cease and desist all manner of operations that allow for the fluoridation of Toronto’s water. That’s just everyday, common, anti-commie good sense.
  3. A full-on cull of raccoons. They don’t work. They eat OUR garbage. Garbage that we worked hard to produce. They sleep all day and stay up all hours of the night, scheming and executing Lord-knows-what under cover of darkness. Wake up. They are obviously a covert army of the underground communist agenda. Either that, or slacker teens.
  4. Hire a team of undercover, anti-commie restaurant inspectors whose responsibility it would be to report on patrons who share trays of nachos. As well, they would have the power to close down restaurants whose sous chefs distribute the salsa, cheese and ground beef too evenly.
  5. Construct a wall the length of University Avenue. This could be done cheaply, as we really only need a barrier a few feet high, denying the communists of The United Socialist Republic Of Queen West the ability to cycle in.

Mr. Mammoliti, thank you for your public service. Your efforts to unite Torontonians through the use of social media have added to your collective good works. I implore you, sir. Don’t abandon your facebook page. Do not “tear down this wall posting.”

 [box border=”full”]To read “Where Is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To see a previous “THE NUTSHELL,” click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To read “Rookie MP Guidebook,” click here. [/box]

 

THE NUTSHELL: China’s Watermelons Explode, The Olympics Call On The Clash And Turmel Gets Detention

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POLITICS

Prime Minister Harper attended a barbecue thrown by Rob Ford, this week. It was there that the PM let us know that he and the Mayor have gone fishing together. Video of the speeches, including one given by the PM are marked “private” on YouTube.You can only see them if you’re invited. Taking this controlling of information a little far, aren’t we, Mr. Harper? It was a speech at a barbecue, for crying out loud. I look forward to your releasing of birthday cards with redacted portions.

Stephen Harper and Rob Ford. Looks like the secret Tory handshake might involve that wiggling finger thingy.

Of course, video of some of the speeches leaked out. In his monologue, Harper noted that he’d gone fishing with Ford recently. Wonder what Liberal carcasses they chummed the water with. The PM also pointed out that Ford didn’t live up to his reputation because when he caught a fish, he didn’t gut it and eat it. Good line. But I’ll guess that if that fish had a library card, the mayor’s brother would have jumped in and beaten it with a Tim Hortons Bagel Belt. It’s the fish’s fault for getting caught. That’s what it gets for “surfacing.”

U.S. President Barack Obama held his 50th birthday bash this week. Jennifer Hudson and Herbie Hancock performed. Herbie Hancock? If you were going 80’s, Barack, I’d have preferred Lionel Ritchie singing “Dancing On The Ceiling.”  Too soon, Mr. President? Top ticket price for the bash was just under $36,000.00. For that amount of money, they should bloody well have had Marilyn Monroe come back from the dead to sing “happy birthday.” The soiree was cut short in dramatic fashion when Republican House Leader John Boehner burst in and refused to back Obama’s exhortations to guests that they “raise the roof.”

It was revealed that Interim NDP Leader Nycole Turmel once held memberships in both the NDP and Bloc Quebecois at the same time. She said she only joined the BQ to “help a friend.” Great answer. If you’re 16 years old and you pulled the fire alarm in the hall to keep your friend from being busted with a bottle of Kahlua in the washroom. Yes, you thought you were helping a buddy. But, she was still doing something wrong, young lady. We’ve no choice but to send you to the Parliamentary Library this Saturday for a day’s detention, a la Breakfast Club. “Don’t You Forget About Me…” Or should I sing: “Je Me Souviens….”

 POP CULTURE

"Guys, this has been great. But, seriously, send my waiter over. I ordered the fajitas, like, an hour ago."

You know how, every once in awhile, you’ll say or write a sentence you’re pretty sure you’ve never before uttered or typed? This is one of those cases. Here goes: Click here to see a Beluga Whale dancing to a mariachi band. The song is “Yellow Bird.”  Now, that’s entertainment, Obama. THAT I’d have paid 36 large to see.

Martin Sheen marked his 71st birthday this week. The highlight occurred when his son arrived and snorted all the icing off dad’s vanilla meringue cake. Ashton Kutcher will take over as Sheen’s son in time for the family’s Labour Day Weekend barbecue.

 SPORTS

The Nashville Predators lost their arbitration case against Shea Weber. Although “lost” is an odd term to use when you consider they still have one of the NHL’s best defencemen in uniform. Weber was awarded $7.5 million on a one year contract. Hey, isn’t that Gary Bettman money? I know a number of hockey fans who wish Bettman was also on a one year contract.

Major League baseball is investigating Yankees’ 3rd baseman Alex Rodriguez for possible gambling infractions. There are tabloid allegations that A-Rod has been involved in high stakes Beverly Hills poker games with the likes of Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Leonardo Dicaprio. Are we sure they weren’t just screen testing for “Oceans 14”? Anybody check to see if George Clooney was in the room, poring over test footage? Sources say MLB wants to meet with Rodriguez to discuss the situation. Which could merely mean that Bud Selig wants to ask Rodriguez if he can forward Clooney the screenplay he’s been working on about his life.

Personally, I think The Clash would have made an excellent 4 x 100 metre relay team.

The London Olympics Organizing Committee has secured The Clash’s “London Calling” as its theme song. I suppose they’ll be changing the lyrics a wee bit, won’t they? Here are some samples of that song’s sentiment that may not be in the Olympic spirit. “London calling, to the faraway towns, now war is declared and battle come down.” “London calling to the zombies of death.”  And, finally, “London is drowning and I live by the river.” Here are my proposed changes: The first line? Easy. “London calling, to the faraway towns, now games are declared and athletes come ’round.” Second line… “London calling, to the …umm, er.. let’s just leave it at “zombies of death.” I get the feeling that tri-athletes can’t possibly be killed. It’s a tribute to them. Last line? “London is swimming and I live by the Aquatic Centre.”  You’re welcome, London Olympic Organizing Committee. Hope this helps. Because if the song’s original disaffected, rebellious siren call is heeded, we could be in for an athlete uprising. Fear the javelin and hammer throwers the most.

CURRENT EVENTS

China has been plagued, recently, with exploding watermelons. Acres and acres of exploding watermelons. Could be a routine explanation, however. Anybody check to see if comedian “Gallagher” has been touring the Jiangsu Province? If you’re under 40, you may need to look that up. Officials actually think that the overuse of a growth chemical might be the culprit. But, some farmers claim they haven’t been using it. And that they got their seeds from a Japanese supplier. Which may just go to show that the Japanese have a helluva sense of humour. Or a misguided military sense of how to defeat China.

FINAL THOUGHT

MTV turned 30 on Monday. Pathetic how it’s still hanging out with teenagers.

[box]To see a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, THE GIST OF IT, click here.[/box]

The Gist Of It – August 3, 2011

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On “The Gist Of It” this week, Bill and Don discuss Nycole Turmel’s dual – party status, Margaret Atwood’s war with the Fords and The Sheepdogs’ landing on the cover of Rolling Stone. As well, they kick around the Argos’ season so far and the Jays’ adding of Colby Rasmus (and his dad). Don bombs the Leafs over the Ryerson arena deal while Bill takes on the 24-hour news cycle. Oh, and there’s the case of the Dunkin Donuts prostitute.

THE NUTSHELL: Food Fighting, Rickrolling And Doppleganging

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POP CULTURE

Saw a billboard, the other day, advertising cottage cheese. The slogan: “Anything Goes.” Well, that’s certainly a bold statement. There’s a picture of a burger, slathered with cottage cheese. I can’t help but think Nordica cottage cheese’s new-found cockiness might run them afoul of Miracle Whip’s “we rough up burgers” and “we will not tone it down” mentality.

Condiment warfare: Are these guys "Cheesies" or "Whippies?"

Could this lead to a street fight, a la West Side Story? Should we fear a coming crossfire of cottage cheese and mayonaise-like substance on our streets anytime soon? Will rival factions turn our city into a giant food fight? Will our streets run white with the ooze of alternative burger toppings? Or worse? Is it possible that Nordica cottage cheese and Miracle Whip will fall in love with each other’s outlaw style and go on a Bonnie and Clyde crime spree? Is Nordica Woody Harrelson to Miracle Whip’s Juliette Lewis? Are they “Natural Born Fillers?” Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Start crafting your buzzwords for the looming crisis. Burg-ocalypse. Burger-geddon.

So, Jeopardy Host Alex Trebek foiled a burglary, did he? A woman snuck into his hotel room and tried to make off with cash and a few other items. Trebek awoke, and gave chase, but not before ensuring his, uh, microphone was not swinging in the breeze. “I realized immediately someone had been in the room. I put on my underwear and ran down the hall to see if I could find her.” Correct. Alex Trebek sleeps in the nude. Wonder if his wife makes it a true daily double. I also wonder if  Trebek interrupted when police starting reading the suspect her rights and asked “What is Miranda?”

POLITICS

The U.S. debt ceiling crisis may have some people nervous, others, poised. Apparently, 33 Mexican soldiers being carried in 4 Humvees were spotted on the American side of the border, in Texas. Might I suggest waiting for the U.S. to default before invading, guys?

Nycole Turmel? Or "Peter Pan"?

The White House has been accused of “Rickrolling” a concerned citizen. When a Twitterer messaged them to say the deficit ceiling news had become boring, the White House tweeted back:  “Fiscal policy is important, but can be dry sometimes. Here’s something more fun: tinyurl.com/y8ufsnp.” That link led the Twitterer to THIS. Unleashing that on an unsuspecting victim with a link is called “Rickrolling.” Have fun. Better than planking.

Toronto Councillor Doug Ford claimed he wouldn’t know Margaret Atwood if she walked by him on the street. That led Newstalk 1010 Host Jim Richards to invite listeners come up with titles likely to be found in a Doug Ford book club. Great premise, but, I take it more literally. If Doug had a book club, I do believe it would be a club with just one book. Of the comic variety. Or, an actual club that he’d use to beat up on books.

London Mayor Boris Johnson. Or...is it?

Sure, it may just be me. But, does anyone else think the NDP’s Interim Leader, Nycole Turmel, is a doppelgänger for Sandy Duncan? I think she’ll do a fine job, but, know who’d be a really great interim NDP Leader? Bob Rae. What’s he doing these days? While on the subject of look-a-likes, the “1 year to  the London Olympics” celebration seemed to be hosted by Gary Busey. What were Londoners thinking when they voted Mr. Joshua in as mayor?

 

SPORTS

Generally speaking, I abhor excessive and silly celebrations after goals or touchdowns. Because a goal or touchdown is a fairly usual thing in any game. Over-the-top celebrations of such events feel goofy. Imagine if we all went around doing that. Score a good parking space, right in front of the mall, get out and do a choreographed dance number. Barbecue a perfect steak, pull out a sharpie and sign a guest’s forehead. However, having said that, click here, for an exception, in my mind. An Icelandic soccer team with some creativity. The guy playing the flopping fish is particularly good.

The St John’s AHL team has a name. Former Newfoundland And Labrador Premier (and Club President) Danny Williams made the announcement, today. They’ll be called the St. John’s Ice Caps. I’m sure Tim Hortons is pleased.

Found out this week that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s salary is $7.5 million. Actually, that only makes him slightly overpaid. After all, he played the same number of NHL games as Wade Redden last season.

FINAL THOUGHT

A company selling reproductions of Kate Middleton’s ring says each comes with a certificate of authenticity. They’re knock-offs. Shouldn’t that be a certificate of “not-thenticity”?

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