Category Archives: Politics

THE NUTSHELL: The NHL’s Trapezoids, McCallion’s Big Fish And Deep-Fried Everything At The Ex

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

Note: After this week, The Nutshell will revert to its older, historical name: The Royal Canadian Nutshell.

 SPORTS

Mr. Bettman, tear down this line.

The NHL is trying out a few new wrinkles at its research and development camp, in Toronto. (Ain’t modern hockey grand? In the old days, if you uttered the words “research and development camp” to Eddie Shore he’d have “researched” your noggin by “developing” a right cross to your chin.) One of the possible changes they’re trying out is removing those ridiculous trapezoids in the corners, where no goalie is allowed to handle the puck. Goalies have been treated like wayward dogs who left the yard. Might as well have fitted them with those “invisible fence” collars to make sure they didn’t go get the puck in the corner. It was a silly rule when it was brought in, it’s a silly rule now. I’ve always thought punishing goalies who had good puck handling skills and took the time to hone them was a trifle idiotic. It’s like prohibiting good defensive pitchers from fielding the ball outside of the mound, or forbidding running backs from ever throwing a pass on an option. If you’ve got it, flaunt it, I say. Fun to watch a master at work, such as Martin Brodeur. Come to think of it, it’s just as much fun to watch the butchers try and do something with the disc, out in no-man’s land.

POP CULTURE

Ernie (Left) and Bert. If they were gay they would have left Sesame Street to live in Mr. Dress Up's Tickle Trunk.

I’ve been enjoying seeing Donald Trump hawking his mattresses on commercials for The Brick. The Trump home mattress collection is available. Was wondering: Are the mattresses stuffed with Donald’s hair? If so, that’s what I call luxury. Love for him to do a Willy Wonka kind of promotion, where he’d actually stuff one out of every 10,000 mattresses with cash. Or a golden ticket that earns the winner a visit to Gary Busey’s place for a day. It occurs to me that I may be mistaken about these commercials. They may actually be for “Donald Trump’s Matted Tresses.”

The good people at the Children’s Television Workshop found it necessary to step forward in the face of a social media onslaught (okay, Facebook page) that suggested Bert and Ernie come right out of the closet and get hitched. Love that they felt it necessary to reiterate that Bert and Ernie are, in fact, not actually living beings. This episode has been brought to you by the letters D, U and H.

Anybody else out there feeling they’re being strung along by George Stroumboulopoulos? He starts every show by saying “I’m your boyfriend….” That’s enough, Strombo. I mean, what are we? Commit to us, already. If you’re not ready to be our husband by now then I just don’t know what we’re doing here.

The Canadian National Exhibition opens up, today. Among the features they’re trumpeting this year — cholesterol. Plenty of it. You can get deep-fried peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, deep-fried Twinkies, deep-fried cola, deep-fried Nanaimo bars and, of course, deep-fried butter. My guess is that they’ve stopped trying to thrill you with attractions and rides. It’s just easier to raise your heart rate with a hamburger that features a bun made of Krispy Kreme donuts, instead. What kind of person would indulge in such gastrointestinal masochism? The kind who likes passing out while eating, I guess. A lot of people have bypassed the Ex in recent years. Seems the Ex is bent on forcing a lot of people to have bypasses instead.

POLITICS

Mayors Rob Ford and Hazel McCallion: If I were them I'd get that thing deep-fried, whole, at the CNE.

Mississauga Mayor Hazel McCallion gave Toronto Mayor Rob Ford a big, big fish. An 18 pound salmon that the 90 year old reportedly reeled in during a fishing derby on Lake Ontario. Well, that’s the story. Personally, I doubt she caught it with a pole. More like she stripped down to her skivvies, dove head first into the water, swam after the sucker, grabbed it with her bare hands and then proceeded to swing it over her head like an Olympic hammer thrower, and tossed it on to the deck. That’s more like Hazel. Not only did she catch it, she apparently packed it in ice and drove it to Toronto to personally present to Ford. It’s head will, undoubtedly, make its way onto the desk of the next councillor to question a policy decision.

Republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachmann wished Elvis Presley a happy birthday, this week. Problem was, she was a day early with the wishes. No, wait. Problem was, it was the anniversary of Elvis’ death (August 16th, 1977). Elvis was born January 8th, 1935. I’ll cut her some slack. She’s probably exhausted from a long summer revival tour with Fred Turner. Gosh, I still love “Takin’ Care Of Business.”

Ontario Progressive Conservative Leader Tim Hudak admitted to smoking marijuana while he was in university. Does this bother me? No. Do I wish he and every other politician would smoke pot now? A resounding yes. Maybe some of those hyper-partisan walls would fall and they could all actually chum together to do what’s best for the rest of us. In fact, let’s go a step or two further and pipe in smoke from a giant bong when the legislature is in session. Bet you Dalton McGuinty would be the first to wear his tie around his head like a bandana. Hudak could replace the Tories’ policy manual, “Changebook,” with “Highspace.”

 FINAL THOUGHT

Qantas Airlines is experiencing some turbulence over one of the in-flight movies they’ve been showing. It’s called “The Female Orgasm Explained.” I say what better place to learn about that than while travelling on an airline that’s served Down Under so well for so long.

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, THE GIST OF IT, click here.[/box]

The Gist Of It – August 17, 2011

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This week on “The Gist Of It,” Bill and Don wonder if Blue Jays’ rookie phenom Brett Lawrie will be able to continue to live up to the hype. As well, they discuss baseball veteran Jim Thome’s no-brainer inclusion at Cooperstown. Can you stomach the CNE? The boys talk over some of the gastronomic… um… delights available at this year’s Ex. They also explore the synergy that a possible provincial Conservative government could create with the Feds and debate the name changes coming for Canada’s military branches. What about the kid who won $50k in a hockey game intermission contest? Should he be penalized just because it wasn’t actually he who took the shot, but rather, his twin brother?

THE NUTSHELL: The Mammoliti Gambit (Or: Councillor Strangelove)

Usually, the Nutshell is dedicated to random thoughts about many things. In this week’s special edition, I focus on what may one day be referred to as the rise and fall of Giorgio Mammoliti’s Facebook page.

Toronto Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti has certainly been spicing up the current events reports this week. His unveiling of a Facebook page “Save the City…Support the Ford Administration” was merely the beginning of a week of provocative hilarity. Mammoliti’s basically been a one-man comedy quote machine, with no end in sight. With his insistence that he knows “how communists smell” leading off the week with a double to the gap, the onslaught of political satire was on. By the way, if Mammoliti knows how communists smell, he’d sure have come in handy for Senator Joe McCarthy. Think of it. Instead of labourious, time-consuming hearings, socialist sympathizers could have just been brought to Giorgio’s office, where he could nuzzle up to them and swiftly decree “Commie” or “Non-Commie.”

Councillor Giorgio Mammoliti: That better not be a Cuban cigar, sir.

Mammoliti went on to declare the definition of a communist: “Anyone who is able to work, doesn’t want to work and wants everything for free.”  A trifle simplistic, but maybe he has a point. By his definition, I don’t know a single 8 year old that’s not a communist. Round ’em up. Oh, and I guess anyone who buys a lottery ticket might also be an enemy of the Mammoliti state. That makes me guilty. I’d better double-dose the Hai Karate from now on.

Fast forward a few days and we have the Ford Motor Company asking Mammoliti to remove their logo and the phrase “Built Ford Tough” from the Facebook page as they own it and they’d prefer he not use it, thanks. Did you pay to use it, Giorgio, or did you just decide to procure it, for the good of the group. If so, that sounds a little like communism. You may not pass your own smell test. At the very least, you ought to fire back at the Ford Motor Company with some kind of accusation that they’re stripping down old Ladas for parts for their F-150’s.

According to the Globe and Mail, Mr. Mammoliti has “abandoned” the Facebook site now and has left it to “the jokers” to continue running it. However, he continues to sound the air raid sirens on the underground communist plot to take over the city. Mammoliti has declared that a half dozen or so city councillors are bent on installing “a system of government where government takes over all private property and controls the thoughts and views of people.”

“I know some of my views are outside the box,” says Mammoliti. No, Giorgio, they’re not. They’re very much IN the box. A very tiny, oxygen-free box. Constructed in the mid to late 1950’s.

But what if he’s right? Maybe there is an underground movement designed to reshape Toronto in the image of an Iron Curtain, Cold War burg, where men were men and so were half the women. At least it appeared that way during the Olympics.

I suggest we immediately take the following precautions:

Raccoon: Where's your fur hat, comrade?

  1. Reclaim the HMCS Haida from Hamilton and deploy it, along with the City of Toronto ferry armada, in a blockade of Centre Island. We can’t afford the possible installation of Chinese missiles there.
  2. Cease and desist all manner of operations that allow for the fluoridation of Toronto’s water. That’s just everyday, common, anti-commie good sense.
  3. A full-on cull of raccoons. They don’t work. They eat OUR garbage. Garbage that we worked hard to produce. They sleep all day and stay up all hours of the night, scheming and executing Lord-knows-what under cover of darkness. Wake up. They are obviously a covert army of the underground communist agenda. Either that, or slacker teens.
  4. Hire a team of undercover, anti-commie restaurant inspectors whose responsibility it would be to report on patrons who share trays of nachos. As well, they would have the power to close down restaurants whose sous chefs distribute the salsa, cheese and ground beef too evenly.
  5. Construct a wall the length of University Avenue. This could be done cheaply, as we really only need a barrier a few feet high, denying the communists of The United Socialist Republic Of Queen West the ability to cycle in.

Mr. Mammoliti, thank you for your public service. Your efforts to unite Torontonians through the use of social media have added to your collective good works. I implore you, sir. Don’t abandon your facebook page. Do not “tear down this wall posting.”

 [box border=”full”]To read “Where Is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?” click here.[/box]

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The Gist Of It – August 3, 2011

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On “The Gist Of It” this week, Bill and Don discuss Nycole Turmel’s dual – party status, Margaret Atwood’s war with the Fords and The Sheepdogs’ landing on the cover of Rolling Stone. As well, they kick around the Argos’ season so far and the Jays’ adding of Colby Rasmus (and his dad). Don bombs the Leafs over the Ryerson arena deal while Bill takes on the 24-hour news cycle. Oh, and there’s the case of the Dunkin Donuts prostitute.

THE NUTSHELL: Food Fighting, Rickrolling And Doppleganging

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

POP CULTURE

Saw a billboard, the other day, advertising cottage cheese. The slogan: “Anything Goes.” Well, that’s certainly a bold statement. There’s a picture of a burger, slathered with cottage cheese. I can’t help but think Nordica cottage cheese’s new-found cockiness might run them afoul of Miracle Whip’s “we rough up burgers” and “we will not tone it down” mentality.

Condiment warfare: Are these guys "Cheesies" or "Whippies?"

Could this lead to a street fight, a la West Side Story? Should we fear a coming crossfire of cottage cheese and mayonaise-like substance on our streets anytime soon? Will rival factions turn our city into a giant food fight? Will our streets run white with the ooze of alternative burger toppings? Or worse? Is it possible that Nordica cottage cheese and Miracle Whip will fall in love with each other’s outlaw style and go on a Bonnie and Clyde crime spree? Is Nordica Woody Harrelson to Miracle Whip’s Juliette Lewis? Are they “Natural Born Fillers?” Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Start crafting your buzzwords for the looming crisis. Burg-ocalypse. Burger-geddon.

So, Jeopardy Host Alex Trebek foiled a burglary, did he? A woman snuck into his hotel room and tried to make off with cash and a few other items. Trebek awoke, and gave chase, but not before ensuring his, uh, microphone was not swinging in the breeze. “I realized immediately someone had been in the room. I put on my underwear and ran down the hall to see if I could find her.” Correct. Alex Trebek sleeps in the nude. Wonder if his wife makes it a true daily double. I also wonder if  Trebek interrupted when police starting reading the suspect her rights and asked “What is Miranda?”

POLITICS

The U.S. debt ceiling crisis may have some people nervous, others, poised. Apparently, 33 Mexican soldiers being carried in 4 Humvees were spotted on the American side of the border, in Texas. Might I suggest waiting for the U.S. to default before invading, guys?

Nycole Turmel? Or "Peter Pan"?

The White House has been accused of “Rickrolling” a concerned citizen. When a Twitterer messaged them to say the deficit ceiling news had become boring, the White House tweeted back:  “Fiscal policy is important, but can be dry sometimes. Here’s something more fun: tinyurl.com/y8ufsnp.” That link led the Twitterer to THIS. Unleashing that on an unsuspecting victim with a link is called “Rickrolling.” Have fun. Better than planking.

Toronto Councillor Doug Ford claimed he wouldn’t know Margaret Atwood if she walked by him on the street. That led Newstalk 1010 Host Jim Richards to invite listeners come up with titles likely to be found in a Doug Ford book club. Great premise, but, I take it more literally. If Doug had a book club, I do believe it would be a club with just one book. Of the comic variety. Or, an actual club that he’d use to beat up on books.

London Mayor Boris Johnson. Or...is it?

Sure, it may just be me. But, does anyone else think the NDP’s Interim Leader, Nycole Turmel, is a doppelgänger for Sandy Duncan? I think she’ll do a fine job, but, know who’d be a really great interim NDP Leader? Bob Rae. What’s he doing these days? While on the subject of look-a-likes, the “1 year to  the London Olympics” celebration seemed to be hosted by Gary Busey. What were Londoners thinking when they voted Mr. Joshua in as mayor?

 

SPORTS

Generally speaking, I abhor excessive and silly celebrations after goals or touchdowns. Because a goal or touchdown is a fairly usual thing in any game. Over-the-top celebrations of such events feel goofy. Imagine if we all went around doing that. Score a good parking space, right in front of the mall, get out and do a choreographed dance number. Barbecue a perfect steak, pull out a sharpie and sign a guest’s forehead. However, having said that, click here, for an exception, in my mind. An Icelandic soccer team with some creativity. The guy playing the flopping fish is particularly good.

The St John’s AHL team has a name. Former Newfoundland And Labrador Premier (and Club President) Danny Williams made the announcement, today. They’ll be called the St. John’s Ice Caps. I’m sure Tim Hortons is pleased.

Found out this week that NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s salary is $7.5 million. Actually, that only makes him slightly overpaid. After all, he played the same number of NHL games as Wade Redden last season.

FINAL THOUGHT

A company selling reproductions of Kate Middleton’s ring says each comes with a certificate of authenticity. They’re knock-offs. Shouldn’t that be a certificate of “not-thenticity”?

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The Gist Of It – July 27, 2011

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Don wonders how it is that Bill isn’t excited about the new movie “Cowboys and Aliens.” As well, the boys talk over the NFL’s new deal, the passing of Amy Winehouse, Canada’s tarnished image as a peacekeeper, the Winnipeg Jets’ new logo and the debt ceiling fiasco in the United States.

THE NUTSHELL: Too Hot To Bother

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

THE HEAT

The Don Valley Parkway, Toronto, Ont. July 21, 2011. 4:48 pm.

My apologies if this version of “The Nutshell” is a little shorter. It’s just too hot to type. Maybe if I moved my computer inside from the top of my barbecue. It’s just that, no one on tv told me I shouldn’t word process in this heat, so I guess it’s okay. I mean, they CONSTANTLY remind you to put on sunscreen, stay hydrated and look for a place where you can cool off, but no mention of not blogging on the top of your barbecue. So, I’ll keep going. Seriously. Could everyone on TV, in radio and in print STOP telling us we need to wear sunscreen, drink water, find shade and “not overdo it”? Or, are there really people out there who would forget to drink something if they feel thirsty?

A guy on tv said we could go and cool off at “one of Toronto’s 3 world-class water parks.” I didn’t even know there were different classes of water parks. And we’ve got three WORLD-CLASS ones? Suck on that, Paris. Eat it, New York City. Hey, London, how many world-class water parks are you rockin’? Thought so. Go cool off in “the tube,” or something.

Weather guy put a block of ice on the station parking lot last night, as an experiment. He did some weather, then the camera came back to that block of ice a wee bit later. There was a slightly smaller block of ice there, with a small puddle of water underneath it. It was melting. Oh, my, look what the heat can do. Important to remember, folks. If you’re taking your pet block of ice for a walk in this weather, first slather it with some sunscreen. And keep it hydrated. Oh, and for God’s sake, don’t let that block of ice overdo it.

 SPORTS

Tiger and Steve. "Misty, water-hazard memories..."

Tiger Woods dumped his long-time caddie, Steve Williams. Big mistake, Eldrick. What if Steve decides to write a tell-all book and you come out looking…  never mind.

 

POP CULTURE

Yesterday marked the 100th anniversary of the birth of Canadian super-brain, Marshall McLuhan. All he did was predict the internet 30 years before it happened. He also predicted that the continued advancements in communication would shrink the planet into a global village. He DID NOT predict that Twitter would unleash legions of “Global Village Idiots” on us. Well, maybe he did. Meantime, I chatted with McLuhan’s son, Michael, and tried to track down Marshall’s old couch, yesterday. You can read about it in my blog: “Where is Marshall McLuhan’s Couch?”

POLITICS

President Obama auctions off the state of Delaware at a debt-ceiling charity dinner.

With the temperatures soaring on Thursday, all trains in Toronto had to travel much more slowly, because the heat was so great, it actually expanded the rails. This meant that gravy deliveries to City Hall were delayed. Not to mention that the heat curdled the gravy.

U.S. President Barack Obama gave a speech, today, on that country’s looming debt crisis. Said Obama, of the possibility of defaulting: “The United States doesn’t run out without paying the tab. We pay our bills.”  Let’s hope so. Because you know that if they get evicted from their country, they’re all gonna need a place to stay. And we’re the rich relatives right now.

Silvio Berlusconi was denied in his bid to have his sex trial moved from a Milan court. I wonder what strip club was he hoping to hold it in?

FINAL THOUGHT

Global warming? More like global scorching. Or scalding. Hell, I don’t know. That’s it! Global helling.

[box border=”full”]To read a previous THE NUTSHELL, click here.[/box]

 

[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, “The Gist Of It,” click here. [/box]

 

 

 

The Gist Of It – July 20, 2011

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This week, the boys try to beat the heat. Or, more precisely, complain about it. Don thinks there’s an opportunity for weather greatness, while Bill can’t see it. The Rupert Murdoch pie is a topic of discussion, as are Argo Quarterback Cleo Lemon, Jays’ great Robbie Alomar and aggressive drivers. As well, the attraction of Darren Clarke, the greatness of Marshall McLuhan and…can you beat “Echo Beach?”

THE NUTSHELL: Harper And Ford In A New Boy Band? Clinton Cashes, Indy Crashes And “Owling” Takes Over From “Planking”

A weekly feature, with a collection of random thoughts on random things.

I rarely ride my bike. Should do it more often. So, this week, I pedaled it over to a friend’s place. In order to offset the possibly harmful effects of the exercise, on the way back, I pulled into KFC. Because I saw a sign for the “Double Down.” Bill Hayes and I had talked a wee bit about it on this week’s podcast (hear it here).  We also discussed the pulled pork parfait. Which is a real thing. And sounds like a good idea to me. The Double Down ought to be called the Double Back. Because it felt like my stomach was going to insist on a u-turn. I’m not saying there’s too much salt in that thing, but, if you tossed a Double Down into Lake Ontario, pretty sure you could then float on your back all the way to Rochester. Look. I like KFC. I’ve fond memories of being a kid and my parents ordering up the do it yourself buffet. Chicken, fries, gravy, macaroni salad and Grecian bread. Still have the old jingle rolling around in my noggin. But the Double Down (another name might be the “We Double Dare You To Try And Keep It Down”) is an experience I won’t have again. Put it this way: Woodstock was great and all, but you needed to stay away from the brown acid. Speaking of acid, I need to stop writing for a second so I can go pop another Zantac.

SPORTS

  • The Blue Jays traded Juan Rivera to the Los Angeles Dodgers for a player to be named later or cash considerations. Uh, cash considerations? From the bankruptcy-protected Dodgers? I think it’ll unfold this way: The Dodgers will consider giving the Jays cash. Their lawyers will consider that hilarious and tell them they don’t have any.

    The player to be named later? Maybe he'd offer Bautista a little protection in the batting order.

  • Plaxico Burress is targeting the Jets,Texans and Eagles as teams he’d like to play with. Of course, with his aim, he could wind up anywhere, really.
  • The Honda Indy, run through the streets of Toronto last weekend, was filled with crash after crash after crash. Dan Aykroyd was the Grand Marshal, so I guess it’s only fitting that everybody drove like it was dark and they were wearing sunglasses.
  • Why do punters run around in the end zone when conceding a safety even when their team is BEHIND? Isn’t that like detouring into a construction zone when you’re already late picking up your kid at daycare?

 

POLITICS

 

  • While playing cowboy at the Calgary Stampede, Prime Minister Harper also found time to pal around with Hollywood’s traditional cowboy foe. While visiting the Blood Tribe Of Alberta (I’d originally thought this was a nickname for the Conservative Party) he was made an honourary chief. His name: “Chief Speaker.”  No politician should be named anything other than “Chief Talking Point.” I don’t know about you, but seeing the Prime Minister in a head dress and knowing full well his prodigious musical chops, I think he’d be an excellent member of a Canadian version of The Village People.

    "Am I delighted to be here? And how."

    Where Rob Ford might fit in, I haven’t quite figured out yet. Can he sing? We know he can dance. Proved it at the launch for the festival formerly known as Caribana. (Scroll down the page in that link a bit to see the video) The mayor danced with some fully costumed flamboyant revellers. Kinda like the Pride Parade. Bet he’s sorry he missed that now. At any rate, if he joins the Canadian version of Village People, we can rewrite the lyrics to their signature hit “YMCA” for him. “It’s fun to REE-move the Jaaaar-vis bike lanes, it’s fun to REE-move the – uh, Jaaarvis bike lay-anes….” I grant you, forming a letter “B” with your body wouldn’t be easy.

  • Apparently, Bill Clinton has made just under 76 million dollars, in speaking fees alone, since leaving the White House 10 years ago. Maybe he ought to be named Chief Speaker. Clinton charges an average of $181,000.00 per speech. More, I’m told, if you want him to do his dead-on impression of Hillary. The magic tricks he does for free because, you know, chicks dig it.

POP CULTURE

  • Tom Hanks met the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge earlier this week. Hope that, when he shook his hand, Hanks bellowed: “WILLIAAAAAAAM!”
  • Conrad Black has been ordered back to prison by September 6th. Well, at least he’ll still be able to march in the Labour Day Parade.
  • They ran with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain, again. Kids’ play. Because, in Denia, Spain, they have a little thing known as diving with the bulls. Yes. When you run with bulls, they can merely trample or gore you to death. Diving bulls can trample, gore OR drown you. That’s a man’s game.

    "Owling." Where's a rampaging bull when you really need one?

  • Apparently, “planking” is over. It’s so 2011. Or, so earlier 2011. It’s being replaced with – wait for it – “owling.” People crouch on things, or perch, like an owl. then snap a picture and send it to everybody and hilarity ensues. No thanks. No planking, no owling. I’ll wait for something really cool, like “raccooning,” where people take pictures of their buddies eating out of somebody’s green bin at 3 in the morning.
  • A guy tried to sue the CBC and Dragons’ Den because some of the Dragons were mean to him.  They didn’t like his idea and spurned him gruffly, with one of the Dragons, Jim Treliving (Boston Pizza) telling him he was “blowing air up a dead horse’s ass.” (Another possible photo alternative to planking) I love how, in the Globe and Mail story I’ve linked to, that line is followed by “He did not receive the investment he sought.” Right. Because Jim sells pizza. But if he ever does get into the business of blowing air up dead horses’ asses, I like the guy’s chances of a triumphant return to The Den.

FINAL THOUGHT

Headline: “Toronto Overtakes Vancouver As Canada’s Most Expensive City.” I think Vancouver was slowed by bridge traffic.

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[box border=”full”]To hear this week’s podcast, “THE GIST OF IT,” click here. [/box]

 

 

 

The Gist Of It – July 13, 2011

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This time around, Bill and Don talk over what Major league baseball’s responsibilities are with regards to fan safety. As well, they wrap their brains around bike lanes, raccoons, Rupert Murdoch’s shame, Stephen Harper’s new name, and the importance of the Brady Bunch. Pulled pork parfaits, running with the bulls and trying NOT to get kicked off St. Andrews are also on the topics list this week.